In June, which was a really long time ago, I wrote about parenting lessons gleaned from The Man of Steel. Because in the past two months I have managed to see two more movies (in a real theater), I will now bestow upon you the DOs and DON'Ts of fathering as laid down by this season's two biggest kiddie flicks.
But first, general impressions of both films. Frozen was very enjoyable, top to bottom. Disney princesses have come a long way since Snow White made herself subservient to a house full of dwarves before eating the wrong apple and waiting passively in a forest clearing for someone to come along and kiss her. That said, we've got a long way to go. Yes, yes, the princesses saved each other and learned lessons about bravery and family. But one of them was sidetracked by (and had one-and-a-half songs devoted to) finding a handsome prince to love her. At least she ultimately learns that was a bad idea. Until we manage to kick that kind of thinking to the curb, little girls are going to keep getting the wrong impression of how love and commitment work. But, hey, the music is still stuck in my head, so somebody did a good job.
As for The LEGO Movie, I was predisposed to love it. If you like LEGO, you're going to love this movie. Your favorite toys are dancing, singing, building, and saving the day; what's not to love? But what I didn't know is that the last 10-15 minutes of the film was aimed right square at me and every other dad who ever played with LEGO as a child. Bonus points if you're a little OCD about keeping all the pieces for all your various sets separate. Again, a little iffy on the gender roles. At least there was a competent female role model, but more than one would've been nice. Half of all people are women, and yet most movies of this type have predominately male casts. It ain't right, I tells ya.
But I digress. And in case you weren't sure, SPOILERS from here on in.
From Frozen:
DO
... Quickly respond to your children if they're in distress, identify the problem, and get them the help they need. Elsa and Anna's accident at the beginning of the film required a swift response from her parents, and they delivered in a big way. Knowing a doctor wouldn't provide the help they needed, they went straight to the top: a troll shaman. When LG and G2 were sick for a month straight last year, Hollie and I had to make decisions on a daily basis on what care to provide in the face of an ever-evolving situation. Multiple doctor visits, following by an ER visit, followed by more doctor visits. It's not always simple to care for your kids, but you've got to have a response plan.
DON'T
... Lie about a past event because the truth of it is uncomfortable. So Elsa and Anna's parents get some points for knowing where the magical trolls live, but they pretty much screw EVERYTHING ELSE up from that point on. Accidents happen, but denying the truth of an event or set of actions is to essentially encourage the event to reoccur. When my brothers and I were younger, I pushed Brett off a step-stool at the library. He fell, hit his eye on the corner of the stool, and my parents had to rush him to the ER to get stitches. 100% my fault, and done with some malice, if I'm being honest. But lying to Brett about why it happened or who was responsible wouldn't have changed what happened. I had to take responsibility for what I did, try to learn from it and keep it from happening again. Everyone learned a lesson that day, including the librarians, who had a warning and object lesson readily at hand for every set of kids who caroused at the checkout counter.
DON'T
... Lock your child away to 'protect' others from her. There's putting your kid in time out, and then there's "Don't leave your room, ever, not even to talk to your sister, who loves you very much." Make the punishment fit the crime, if you must, but permanent grounding with no time off for good behavior seems like overkill.
DON'T
... Encourage your child to hide their feelings or their true self because it scares you. "Conceal. Don't feel. Put on a show." Words that make an excellent line in a song revealing your troubled sense of self, but it's lousy advice from parent to child. Elsa's parents condemn her to a life of poor self-esteem and self loathing before she even capable of understanding her true nature. And this doesn't even take into consideration that maybe everyone would be better off if she knew how to control her abilities rather than suppress them.
Here's a thought experiment: Your child develops the ability to shoot lasers out of her eyes/drain someone's life force with a touch/phase through solid objects. Do you tell him to keep his eyes shut forever/never touch anyone/avoid physical contact with the outside world? Or do you enroll them in a special school overseen by the world's most powerful psychic?
Okay, that got a little out of hand, but you see my point. The X-Men comic books have long functioned as a metaphor for the role of the outsider in society, whether that outsider is ostracized by race, religion or creed. But the books are also about learning to be comfortable in your own skin, to control those aspects of yourself that might cause friction with others. It's not so different from having a short temper or an exuberant personality that gets on people's nerves. Hiding it isn't the answer; taking steps to understand another point of view and modeling good behavior while understanding your own foibles is.
From The LEGO Movie:
Most of these DOs and DON'T are implicit, until just about 15 minutes from the end, when they're made explicit by the revelation that the antagonist of the film, Lord Business, is a toy stand-in for the real-world father of the boy whose imagination fuels the bulk of the film. It can then be assumed that every action taken by Lord Business up to that point are the actions of the father expressed by his son through play.
DON'T
... Glue your toys together so no one can play with them. This is kind of a no-brainer. It's just mean. But to take it further, don't assume that your vision of the world is the right one. As a father, heck, as a person, you have a worldview cultivated by a lifetime of experience. Newsflash, though: Your life isn't over, so you're not done learning. You can't freeze life the way you want it, not with glue or a rigid outlook on life. For me, that means teaching my children to be flexible and responsive rather than rigid and reactionary.
DON'T
... Take things too seriously. There's a time for work and time for play, but Lord Business has pretty much forgotten about the latter. For him, even relaxation is epitomized by a rigid system of getting things done as efficiently as possible. Sometimes you just have to loosen up.
DON'T
... put too much faith in the instructions. I'll admit it. I'm big on instructions. Even when I do get down time, I spend it on things that follow detailed, step-by-step plans. My favorite leisure pastimes? Cooking, origami, board games and building stuff. Even when I don't have instructions, I make some so I have a path to follow. There is joy to be had in turning off your brain and following a set of rules established by someone else. But sometimes it's good to chuck the rulebook and experiment. Make up dinner on the fly, forget the rules to Monopoly, do something crazy! You won't break anything... probably.
DO
... play. Just play. Even if you've lost (most of) your imagination, your kids have plenty to spare. And when you let them take over, wonderful things can happen.
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| This is LG's flying castle. Should castles fly? If she says so. |
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