When Real is Real

I've said before in this space that my impending fatherhood already seems real. I can't put my finger on why, and I'm certainly not saying that I'm ready for it, but right now, in this moment, I really know I'm going to be taking care of a crying, gurgling, pooping infant in about 4 months.

But there are levels of reality. And I ran headfirst into one on Friday night. It was the day after the ultrasound, and Hollie and I were both working after hours at the museum for a Safari Overnight. (For the uninitiated, the Safari Overnights are an opportunity for Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, or families to spend the night at the museum and participate in classes and badge programs.) And this past Friday, the museum hosted a Girl Scout overnight.

And I should point out here that I've worked with kids in various capacities for a while. I ran elementary school programs in high school; I babysat my neighbors kids for years growing up; I was a junior assistant scoutmaster for two years; I've taught at the museum in various capacities for four years; and I've got two 10-year-old nieces. Kids are not new to me.

But one day after finding out I was having a daughter, I was especially vulnerable to the 6-to-14-year-old girls running, screaming and laughing all over the museum. Short girls, tall girls, quiet girls, loud girls, very loud girls, tomboys who couldn't wait to pet the guinea pig AND the ball python, and girls who were scared to death of the notion even looking at the snake. I can't tell you why, but spending time around these kids nearly wrecked me. There was a happiness to it, but I was on the verge on breaking down throughout the night.

Every girl was somebody's daughter, and every girl was a potential future vision of my daughter. Some of these girls incessantly asked questions, some avoided eye contact. Some ran from place to place holding their best friend's hand, some moved silently, alone, from exhibit to exhibit. Some girls were happy, some were clearly sad.

In 6-to-14 years, my little girl will be like one of these girls, or all of these girls. Will she be terrified of snakes or think they're awesome? Will she spend 30 minutes digging for shark teeth in a sand pit just because she's fascinated by it? Will she ask me to identify the teeth, or will she use the chart on the wall to figure it out by herself? Will she look at a beehive or a tank full of cockroaches and want to know more about them? Will she look at a bobcat pelt and get freaked out because it has a face?

I don't yet know the answers to any of these questions, but after Friday night, I really want to find out.