Conversations with Our Two-Year Old

Inspired by Conversations with my 2 Year Old, I'm going to periodically post conversations LG has with me and Hollie. (If you've never watched those, go ahead. I'll wait. They are hilarious, and more than a tiny bit creepy.) These conversations are not creepy at all, but they do illustrate that toddlers are on their own wavelength 90% of the time.

On trying to understand the word WHY at dinner
Me: Why are you licking your hand?
LG: Because Mama told me not to.
Me: No, that's why you shouldn't lick your hand. I'm asking why you are doing it.
LG: ...
Me: When I ask why, I'm asking you to tell me the reason you decided to do something. Why did you decide to lick your hand.
LG: Because I put it in my mouth.
Me: Okay, let's try this. What were you thinking about when you decided to lick your hand?
LG: Um... an elephant? (rimshot)

On transitive properties of freckles
LG: (from her carseat, frantically, while I'm driving) Daddy! I can't find my freckle!
Me: You have lots of freckles. What do you mean you can't find it?
LG: I can't find it! It's gone!
Me: There are at least three freckles on your legs. I'm sure they're still there.
LG: But this one moved!
Me: We'll double check your freckles when we get home. Your freckles can't move, sweetie.
LG: I found it! Oh, it's dirt.

On aggressive driving
Not a conversation, per se, but interesting nonetheless. I'm driving home with both kids on a four-lane road. I need to make a left turn at a light, but I'm in the right lane because I got distracted by G2 crying in the backseat. I'm still a ways from the light, and I see an opening between two cars, probably 10 car lengths or so. Plenty of room to move over.

In the process of moving into the left lane, I get in front of a guy who clearly thought he was going to put on the gas and sail through the light. Instead, he has to tap his brakes. (not slam, mind you. there was plenty of room between him and me.) Did I cut the guy off a little? Yes, but not that much. As it turns out, I don't even have to wait at the light. I made the turn quickly, without slowing down much at all, and he flies by behind me.

But as the guy flies through the light, he leans out his window and shouts "Jackass!" really loudly. LG immediately goes, "Daddy, someone shouted Jackie! Who were they talking to? Jackie, Jackie, Jackie."

She pays attention, but she doesn't pay attention that closely.
On the conversational habits of infants.
G2, for his part, is three months old, so he's not really talking.


Of course it's hard to get much vocalization going when you're constantly trying to devour your own hand.

Lessons in Fatherhood: "Man of Steel" Edition

This Father's Day weekend, I was fortunate enough to see Man of Steel, which you'll note was on my to-do list back in early March. I'm especially grateful to Hollie for this, as most of that to-do list sadly sits undone. And given our son's name, it's especially appropriate that this is the movie I get to cross off that list. Another shout out to Peter and Steven, who also abandoned their kids for three hours to go see a man in tights beat up some other dudes in tights.

As it turns out, it's no accident the movie was released Father's Day weekend, since the main emotional through-line of the film is a father's (or more than one father, in this case) sacrifice for his son. The film would like you to believe that Jor-El and Pa Kent were paragons of virtue, willing to do whatever it takes to be the best fathers they could be. Whether or not the film successfully makes this point, well... that's another thing entirely.

So in the spirit of Father's Day, I present to you "Lessons in Fatherhood: Man of Steel Edition." (For the wary, or those who plan to see the movie, fair warning, SPOILERS ahead.)

DO
...Protect your family from harm, even in the face of death. Jor-El faces off against General Zod early in the film, giving his wife, Lara Lor-Van, enough time to safely launch their son into space, thus saving young Kal-El from Zod's stated intention to murder him AND from Krypton's imminent destruction. As a father, I'd like to think I've got the fortitude necessary to protect my children in the face of catastrophe or murderous military leaders with questionable haircuts.

DON'T
...Make a computer program that preserves your own consciousness and likeness (effectively granting yourself eternal life) so that you can interact with your child as though you'd never died, but NOT do the same for your wife. That's just a jerk move, Jor-El.

DO
...Care for the helpless. Jonathan Kent (along with Martha) opens his home to a child whose history, nay entire being, he can't hope to comprehend. The compassion necessary to make such a commitment is extraordinary. That single act not only gives the world Superman, but provides the basis for Superman's actions as a hero. Would that I can impart such compassion to my children.

DON'T
...Sacrifice yourself to save the family dog. It's just not worth it. Your son is Superman. He just saved like five people from a tornado. If the dog has to live, let your son do it. Because now, he has to live with the fact that he could've saved you, but stopped when you conveyed a look that said, "No. Your secret as an alien with superpowers is too important to waste on saving me, your adopted father, even though at least 30 people in our town have already seen you do crazy stuff, and we just had an argument where you yelled at me. My death is too important as a source of guilt. With great power comes great responsibility. Wait, what franchise am I in?"

Kids, if you're reading this, please remember something very important. I will never sacrifice my life to save the dog. And if it looks like I'm going to, and you have the power to stop me, or save me with no harm to yourself, please do it.

If you take nothing else from this blog ever, let it be this: I am more important than the dog.

She Blinded Me with Science (and Made a Huge Mess)

Much has been made of late about the importance of STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math) education in the U.S. Is it important for our country to invest in getting our children interested in STEM topics? Sure, probably. But like a lot of things related to education, the battle starts at home.

You want your kids to like reading? Read to them.
You want your kids to like art? Create with them.
You want your kids to like science? Make rockets, chemical reactions and dinosaurs everyday activities.

How will you know it's working? Here are a few clues you're doing it right.

1. When you realize you're able to forgive almost any mess on the basis of its scientific merit.
Admittedly, Hollie is way better about this than I am. Though I'm far from a neat freak, I get heart palpitations just looking at this picture. But, hey, cause and effect! Non-newtonian fluids! Rate of absorption!

That being said, Cornstarch + Water = Science!
Rolled Oats + Water = Ridiculous Mess!

2. The weirdest things become science.
Hollie and I talk about science a lot at home. She works at a natural science museum and I work at a research university, so that's not terribly surprising. What's weird is how LG interprets and recontextualizes the very word "science." For instance, every month we get a calendar page from her daycare listing special events. And every month, the calendar page goes missing for a week because she carries it around the house, proclaiming that we can't have it, because, "it's my science! I need it... for science."

This, it should be said, is a great answer to every question, ever.

3. Goggles become an every day accessory.

Because science can strike at any time.

4. Your toddler schools your friends regarding prehistoric life.
What follows is a conversation between LG and a few friends who came to visit last week.

Adult #1: "What's your favorite dinosaur, LG?"
LG: "I like triceratops, or maybe T-rex."
Adult #2: "That's cool. I think my favorite dinosaur is the pterodactyl."
LG: "..."
Adult #1: "Yeah! Pterodactyls are great dinosaurs, don't you think!"
LG: "No. Not a dinosaur. That's a flying reptile."

Boom. Roasted.

5. Because acid/base neutralization isn't the only reaction you get when you mix vinegar and baking soda (and Kool-Aid powder).

Because. SCIENCE!