Things No One Told Me About Being a Dad, an Ongoing List

I want to be fair at the outset here. It's possible that someone at some time told me some of these things, but I wasn't paying attention. So to those folks: Sorry, I wasn't listening.

To the rest of you, if you don't have kids, here are a few things I've discovered so far. May they serve as both warning and benefit to you if there are little ones in your future.

1. Your favorite television shows will stop making sense. A quick mental tally of my TV watching habits prior to Little G's birth reveals that I watched more that I realized. (Especially Thursday night programming. Why do you load so many good shows on Thursday, TV?) I like to think that the reason I watched so much TV is because there are so many good shows on the air these days. The aforementioned Thursday night, for example, featured three of my favorite shows last season: Parks and Recreation, Community, and Fringe. All critically acclaimed, all loved in my household (though Fringe just by me). Parks and Rec overcame a pretty terrible first season to become one of the funniest things on TV, rivaled only by Community in terms of outright hilarity. And Fringe last year decided that it was just going to go full-tilt boogie on its sci-fi roots, with pretty spectacular results.

But since Little G was born, it's tough finding time for these shows and others. We're generally trying to avoid plopping the whole family in front of the tube without doing something to occupy or engage her. And the time we do find to watch is usually broken up by little things. A diaper change here, a feeding there, a fussy spell or just playing on her gym mat. You can't devote significant focus to a narrative under those circumstances.

And thus, shows I used to love seem significantly less good, and I'm not sure it's the fault of the shows. Community seems haphazardly funny, probably because I miss half the jokes. (This also seems true of The Office, but it's been less funny for two seasons now, so it's hard to tell.) Fringe makes less sense than normal because I watch the episodes in 10-15 minute chunks on my phone. Parks and Rec has been spared because it's not back on TV yet, but I worry it won't seem as good when it does come back later this month.

In general, this point is mostly about how you have less time as a parent, and to be fair, plenty of people told me that. And I should acknowledge, however, that I'm not really all that broken up about it. It's just weird that I didn't consider how hard it would be to pay attention to other stuff while trying to occupy an infant.

2. Beatboxing is the solution to all of life's problems. Is the baby crying? Beatbox. Need to distract the baby while you get her arm through a sleeve? Beatbox. Mom needs a break from entertaining the baby? Beatbox. Had a rough day and you just need a baby smile to make you feel better? Beatbox, beatbox, beatbox.

Whether it's the sound of popping lips or a clicking tongue, the rush of air in her face, or the spastic facial contortions involved in even the most basic beatbox rhythm, beatboxing will stop Little G in her tracks, nine times out of 10. Perhaps the love of a cappella music is genetic? I don't know, but it works. Learn from my example, parents of the world. Beatboxing will save your life.

3. No way to put the baby to sleep will work for both you and your spouse in the same way, and may not work for short naps the same it works for nighttime. Pacifier in the mouth and a pat on the butt while the baby lays in the crib works for your wife to get the baby down for a nap? Won't work for me. Holding the baby prone while rocking gently gets the baby to sleep for nighttime? Won't work for Hollie, and won't work during the day for anybody.

Sleep is a biological imperative, baby! Do it! Do it now! And continue doing it at regular intervals for predetermined amounts of time so that we can get things done and be assured that you are receiving the right amount of sleep for proper development!

In all fairness, Little G has been sleeping through the night since week 7. She's 16 weeks old, and we haven't gotten less than six hours of sleep since late October. Most nights we get eight hours. In that respect, we know how lucky we are. That doesn't make it any less frustrating when her cues tell us she's exhausted, and she just won't go down for a nap.

4. Next to beatboxing, Paul Simon's Kodachrome might be the most effective way to get a baby to smile. There's not much more to say about this, but suffice to say that it works every time.

These are just a few things I've learned in the last couple of months. No doubt I've already forgotten a few things I've learned, and no doubt I'll learn more. And now that I'm on the subject, what things did you learn in your first year as a parent? What surprised you? What didn't anyone tell you?